FeistyFemale

05/01/2009 In Just Me by feistyfemale

Disclaimer: The following thoughts were originally hand-written as a guide for my own sanity. The thoughts are random, uncensored, unedited and mostly list my activities. These are personal thoughts, and not the type of content I normally write about on my blog. I have recursive thoughts – basically the things that I am thinking about this month – my thinking may differ tomorrow. Perhaps these thoughts just reflect OCD traits, who knows! This post is for my reference only – I don’t care that it’s not “well-written” or grammatically correct.

20 December

My mind is racing and I am truly struggling to switch off. Whatever switching off is….

I have to consciously fight the urge to “connect” or to do some work. I’m forcing myself not to check mail via mobile. The saddest thing is that since arriving at my parents house I have been unable to talk about anything other than work and business.

I am fully aware that I am a bundle of chaos running on adrenaline – out of balance work junkie. In an attempt to regain control of my mind, habits and lifestyle I have promised myself a decent two week break. It’s a short break but I plan to make the most of it. No technology and no work! This will be a first in five years – not being on standby or working every two days to see if the industries I operate in fell apart without me…

As I’m struggling calming my mind and my emotions I have decided to channel my energy into writing and movement. Two things that I truly enjoy and do for myself. Although both activities calm me – writing forces me to focus. Instead of blogging or tweeting I will be (hand)writing a log of my 14 day vacation. I will post a summary online afterwards as the blog has become my source of reference in both dire and exhilarating times. Posting things online intrigues me. Having the world as a witness – a bizarre thought – I guess it comes down to thought-provoking feedback from a diverse audience.

Let the log begin!

18 December

I wrote and used my first auto-responder ever! What a milestone!

I finished work at half past five with an overwhelming feeling of relief – the start of a much needed holiday and some time out. Being a bit of a fruitloop I had about five recursive thoughts run through my head all day:

1. Need to move a lot
2. Need sun and good literature
3. No technology this holiday
4. No work this holiday
5. Must reflect and learn from 2008: contemplate the good the bad and the ugly.

I dashed to the gym for an intense training session. I am still trying to figure out why I turn up the incline and pace when I cannot breathe. Sometimes it’s ridiculous punishing yourself for physical weakness, especially if that involves you being asthmatic.

I took some time in my chaoticness to chat to the old Belgiun lady in the gym dressing room, admittedly I was not as patient and into it like usual. I rushed back home, got dressed, and attempted to look like something before the dude arrived. Will admit that I felt unsettled wondering how the old man would cope with the insanely off-beat, intellectual people in my life. I showed face at the office party – and will boldly admit that I did not enjoy a single minute of it. I then rushed to the tweetup to meet SnowGoose (totally cool chick).

I finally got home, with no energy left to pack or deal with the irritating men who I constantly find myself in contact with. Slept fully clothed (and all) restlessly between washing and chaos – my mind racing with thoughts of business, task-lists, dishes, non-existent Christmas gifts, bad lifestyle, the need for change and way too many functions/events. The conclusion in my half-awake half-asleep state was that a vacation was needed (f*** the unfinished accounting).

Time to be nicer to myself, less serious and more fun. Back to basics.

19 December

Got up at 04:00 am. Washed dishes, cleaned house, packed (grab and run style) and locked up at frightening speed. Decided to skip the Christmas pressie deliveries and to hit the road. Too tired to care about other people’s expectations or feelings. I managed to drive out of Cape Town by 08:00.

After dropping off campaign goodies with some local bloggers, I had an amazing drive to Boggoms Bay. I love this country, I love driving and I love singing and listening to my favourite songs on repeat (because I can).

My mind was still racing – reflecting on 2008 – strange how I now manage to turn most thoughts into blog posts quite instinctively these days.

I decided that 2009 will be a year of good lifestyle and balance.

I checked mail for a last time in Swellendam and discovered that I was invited to some Facebook dinner by a “friend” – spent about two hours running an appropriate response through my head… talk about OCD…finally decided to pretend I never got it. (I guess if he reads this I’m busted.)

Finally got to Boggoms, I downloaded two months business, career and work-related information and happenings without stopping for a breathe of air. The old peoples’ ears must have been buzzing as a chaotic me arrived to disturb their zen-like environment. To save them from being subjected to further torture I decided to walk to Vleesbay. A great choice – the experience always brings back my mojo. There is nothing like walking, watching the waves, breathing fresh air and being surrounded by silence. Granted that it didn’t slow down my racing mind – in fact the walk to Vleesbay just unleashed more thoughts, ideas and business creativity.

It was fun though – I decided to swim on impulse and I literally jumped on a dead jelly fish (squishy). I can be such a kid. I love the sea, the waves and just floating in the water while watching the clouds take shape. It’s great for soothing my volatile emotions that I normally keep wrapped up and under control.

After an entire afternoon giggling at myself I finally headed home and to the Chris Chameleon show. The show was amazing.

PS It doesn’t feel like Christmas, what happened to Christmas carols?

20 December

I was up at 05:00 for a walk with the old people (3.5 km).The day progressed with chatter, breakfast, a 4.5km run with Mart-Mari, “real” breakfast, a nap, reading, lunch, body-boarding, afternoon snacking and a long call to “the paramedic”. The day was wrapped up with a family braai and this update was scribbled down rather rapidly.

I am struggling to switch off from work and the craving for technology might drive me dilly. My mind is racing: to-do lists, action plans, goals, life, perspective, people. Name it I am thinking it. Keep having recursive thoughts about lifestyle.

Reality check:

• Physically I am in rather bad shape. I feel overweight and losing the 10kg I picked up in the last couple of months is painful. My nails are broken, my skin’s a mess from stress, I have cellulite on my arse, my arms are wobbly and I am not as fit or toned as I use to be.
• My exercise regime has stagnated
• Despite being extremely health conscious and following a mostly vegetarian diet (again) I am not eating properly or regularly.
• Despite appearances I am feeling a bit disorganized and chaotic. I have no routine.
• I am unfocussed
• My mind is driving me nuts – I am unable to talk about anything other than work/business. Like a record player that got stuck.
• My family needs me and I need to spend more time at home with the family.

In light of this – here’s my how to fix it guide and action plan.

Going to get back into shape, get back the long shiny hair, tanned skin, healthy long nails.
By the end of this holiday I at least need to be a calm balanced person that is back in control of my mind and ready for a kick-arse 2009.

• No work.
• No laptop
• Minimal cell usage.
• No make-up and nail polish
• Eat right again: 2 litres of water a day with lots of green tea in between, back to no coffee and alcohol, back to veggies.
• Run, walk, swim and weights everyday. (6 hours)
• Read.
• Lots of sun and fresh air. Pampering in big doses.
• Write – with pen and paper.
• Quality time with the family

Scattered thoughts of the day:

• Love Boggoms Bay with my entire being
• Love water and swimming – it’s great for my soul, emotions and mind. It’s also sensual.
• Love moving and feeling stiff.
• Loved the rough body boarding session – got rolled and slammed to the bottom- ouch.
• Great finally having time to read, walk, swim, run and not having to rush to the next thing.
• Loathe seeing sister sad, sick and crying. It breaks my heart.
• Loath being asthmatic and not being able to breathe properly at times, especially when running.
• Worried about the family.
• Might actually restore balance this holiday. A state of ZEN-ness. Getting my mojo back slowly.
• Irritation – forgot my blue Parker pen at home – and I hate writing with a black pen. It makes me angry

This brain dump just made me feel more chaotic and unsettled. How did I end up this out of balance *bang head against door moment*

21 December

Up at six, 4.5km run, breakfast, reading, sleeping, beach, lunch, DVD, 4km beach run, swim, shower and pamper session, supper, kata boxing and weight training, reading. Day done.

• Seriously love movement and music in combination. It’s either lots of fast movement and music or sensual movement in silence.
• Lots of thinking about childhood – privileges, money, opportunity, love.
• How the family changed in the last six years – love my youngest sister like crazy.

22 December

Up at 05:00, 3.5 km walk with the old people, George trip, played with the dogs, shopped (hate it), eye test (scary), lunch, shopping and drive back to Boggoms, reading. Day done.

• Driving is great for thinking
• Still struggling. Not being connected is tough. Banning myself from technology is trickier than I thought.
• My mom pointed out my OCD traits from a book…
• I hate writing in black pen. It’s aggressive…
• Every time I am in Boggoms I gravitate toward the theme of love:

• Past, present and future love
• Too much vs no love
• Being in love vs loving someone (unconditionally) – there’s a difference.
• How your perception of love changes as you get older.
• My capacity to love (enormously)

23 December

Up at 05:00, 3.5 km walk, 5 km run (painful round), breakfast, tanning, sleeping, reading, lunch, family arrived, walked, body-boarding, slept, nebulised, weight trained, DVD, danced, listened to music and wrote.

• Spending time with my sister’s kids is really good for my soul. Love them to bits.
• Had zero concentration today – felt completely drained.
• Feeling a bit emotional.
• Thought about how much I changed and grew in 2008:

• Calmer, less excitable.
• Less emotional
• More cynical
• More rational
• Mentally stronger than ever before
• Discovered that I have rock solid beliefs and ethics
• Learned to “move along swiftly”
• Can adapt at lightning speed
• Have a strong can-do attitude
• More patient
• More introvert
• Fiercely independent
• More comfortable in my skin
• More reckless too (sometimes I scare myself)

24 December

A wasted day *sigh*
Up at 06:30 for an attempt at running. Breakfast, nebulizer, tanning, reading, shopping and coffee with my neighbour, nap, DVD, an hour’s walk, dinner, kata box, DVD, dancing, writing. Day done.

• Despise being sick unable to breathe and no energy – it makes me cranky
• Pushed the exercise thing today – despite feeling sick
• Reflecting on family, friends, and career – but haven’t really clarified the thoughts enough to write.
• It doesn’t feel like Christmas.

25 December

Up at 05:00, chat to folks, 6.2 km walk, tan, reading, lunch, nap, DVD, 7.5 km walk, Katabox, shower, DVD with twins. Done.

• It doesn’t feel like Christmas
• I love my crazy family- amazing special warm people.

26 December

Up at 05:00 for 6.5 km walk, breakfast with twins, DVD, reading, beach with family, lunch, another DVD, nap, spinning, tea, kick-boxing and weight training, shower & pamper session, writing bedtime.

• Finally switched off. Out of work zone and having fun.
• Really love moving. Perhaps a fitness course???
• Spinning with two pro’s (Spinning Instructors) was interesting. Wonder how I’ll feel tomorrow?
• You cannot put an expiry date on someone’s life *scream* (Must blog this, must blog this, must blog this later.)
• Need to eat properly… I sinned today.
• Love the family – faults, craziness and all.
• Had a sporadic moment in the shower tonight – miss being in a relationship (miss the playfulness and someone to trust)
• I fear I have become an intellectual snob
• Listening to Chris Chameleon (again). Addicted to the brilliant lyrics.

27 December

Up at 05:00, walked, breakfast, watched the twins play squash, hour and half spinning class, shower and DVD, lunch, nap, learned how to play poker, wrote down my favourite quotes from the Monk who Sold his Ferrari, bedtime!

• I really love spinning!
• I might possess the ability to accept and even embrace playing poker.
• Kids are really refreshing and good for the soul.
• Need to focus on a proper diet. *Bangs head against door* for eating incorrectly today.

28 December

Up at 05:00, walked 5km to Vleesbay and back, tanned, read Fitness and Shape, had lunch and a nap. Fun family drive to Gouritz, a run with twin 2 and a well-deserved Radox bath, supper and an early bed time.

• I love this country and especially the people.
• I was a little bored and slightly irritated today.
• Did much contemplation about Thought Leader and what I would like to write about in 2009.
• I am seriously stiff and sore.
• Having sporadic moments where exercise/training is UNfun – you know you working at it when you inject mentholated spirits into the blisters with a needle and syringe everyday.

29 December

04:40 Couldn’t sleep so got up, family left at 05:00, walked 7.5 km with neighbor, breakfast, shower, reading, DVD, hour spinning class, body-boarding, weight-training, supper and early night.

• Intense spinning session was awesome
• Had a rough body boarding session – got bashed against the rocks. Cuts and bruises – even blood. (Got out of the water real fast after that – fear of sharks)
• Real quality time with mom, dad and Jamie.
• Absorbing the beauty of Boggoms.

30 December

Up at 05:00 for the 3.5 km walk with the parents, followed by a quick coffee and a 7.5 km walk with my friend, breakfast, reading, tanning, writing, lunch, DVD, 9km walk, katabox technique training with dad, weight training, shower and pamper session, reading and bedtime.

• Sjoe – injecting mentholated spirits into blisters might be the fastest and most effective cure – but not for the faint-hearted.
• My body is aching, I am sore and hungry
• Finally able to write again! Writers block has gone.
• Really grew fond of my neighbor. I think we’ll be good friends.
• Was disappointed not seeing my paramedic
• Can you believe it – walked 20km today!!! Loving it.
• Need to crowd-source some walking/training buddies – even if it’s just twice a week.

31 December

Up at 05:00 (painful), walked 3.5 km with the entire family, walked 7.5 with friend straight after. Breakfast, shower, writing – lots of it – it’s all I basically did today. Weight-training and katabox technique training, shower and beauty therapy and some quality time with the family.

• It occurred to me that I am such a basic kind of girl. I really love the little things. I love my family, friends and yummy simple food. I love the wind in my hair, the rain against my skin and the sand beneath my feet. These are the things that give me a kick.
• Was sad not to walk the 9km stint again – but the wind is howling…
• Also it’s the end of the year and I prefer family time.

1 January

Going to bed at four makes you look kinda rough the next day. Boy was training difficult! But still ended up doing a spectacular night out!

2 January

Breaky in Vic Bay, shopping (yuk), business hunting, plot/house hunt drive (fun), drinks with an old school friend (who rocks), drive back to Boggoms, kickboxing and exercise, supper with the family, reading and sleep.

• I’m in love with Kraaibosch… guess what I will be working on this month
• I really dislike shopping.
• Vic Bay rocks – hot surfers, great weather, magical moments, the perfect breakfast buddy – what more can you ask for?
• The new CD on replay: Parletones unplugged. Especially track 6,8, 15 and 17.

3 January

Up at five, walk, kickboxing, breakfast, shopping trip to George with old people, lunch, reading and tan session, body-boarding, 7.5 km walk, kickboxing technique work, seafood supper with the folks, movie, sleep.

I am addicted to brandy tart

4 January

Up at five, breakfast, last Vleesbay walk, took some great photos, coffee, walk & pink icecream with “man”, back to Boggoms via the N1 this time, braai with the family, packing (oh boy and was there enough packing), road trip back to Cape Town, stopped at Canal Walk to pick up spinning gear, supper with the clan, unpacked, last holiday update. Done

• Listened to the Parletones all the way to Cape Town.
• I love driving between Cape Town and George – it’s great me-time.
• I guess tomorrow is the first day of real focus again – suspecting sorting through 2 weeks emails might be tricky.